An Open Letter to Hollywood

Sorry about the hiatus folks. I'm just shitty like that.

So, Hollywood. I feel we should talk. Of recent, you've gotten more retarded than usual.

I'm talking to you Jon Gosselin.

I'm talking to you Michael Jackson Corpse.

I'm talking to you Jessica Simpson.

And I am most definitely talking to your stupid ass Megan Fox.

Now, when you're a millenias old dragon, you have little left to do with your life than read pop culture news. With this in mind, I would like you fuckers to know you're the source of at least a good 25% of my entertainment. And when I see you more out of touch with reality than a mythological being like myself, I get a little concerned.

Jon, what the fuck dude. You have 8 children. 8 children. What the fuck kind of dickweed loser of a dad has time to parade around with not one but two highly questionable semiretarded coke whores and drama-up the press pool, whilst wearing some of the most unfortunate newly aquired beer belly accentuating wannabe biker garb in existence? You're a faggot, burn in a housefire whilst drinking acid. Whilst.

Jessica...what the fuck did you do to Tony Romo? He put a "Red Alert Warning" (Thanks Superficial) on his fucking gated community to keep you out. I haven't displayed that much of a repellant personality since 1260 ad and I breath gaddamn fire.

Michael Jackson's corpse. (Kicking) you get down...get...get...(grunts, kicks hard) GET THE FUCK BACK IN YOUR GRAVE. That's all of you too, brain matter from the coroner's office, press coverage, just get in the fucking ground where dead people go, stop invading my daytime tv like the zombie you've looked like since thriller.

And Megan Fox. Now, maybe you have all the men of the world captivated by your luscious tits and ass that just won't quit, but you've got another thing coming if you think you're going to lead me around by MY cloaca. You're a tard. I swear to god the only thing you're good for is your fucking tits. So please. Just please. Shut the fuck up. Don't talk, don't do things, just stick your chest out, your ass out further, give people what they want, and stop confusing them with your blather.

You people are all a bunch of diluted faggots. Your worst fucking day would be any normal person's paradise. Have some fucking perspective. If I fucking woke up with over a million dollars one day and had someone call me and say "dw, your porche has a flat," i'd say ah well. Send me 30 cheeseburgers and 3 whores, we'll have an "inside day."

Partial Review of Ghostbusters the Video Game

I went to my local Gamestop last night and purchased the new Ghostbusters Video Game. For ps2. I was really excited that they were coreleasing on ps2. It's a great console that a lot of people (read: me) don't want to get up and a lot of people (read: yours truly) can't afford a ps3, so it's a viable option.

However when I saw the case last night I put it right back down and said "I'll wait." The characters were ridiculously cartoonified as opposed to the sweet graphics from the ps3 version. Now, if you had to dumb down the graphics, no big deal. I get it, it's a ps2. But if grand theft auto 3 could make human beings at least look anything but goofy, you can do it to, Atari. Making them goofy cartoons takes a lot away from the game and any respect I had left for Atari. I mean seriously how the fuck do you go from this:

to this:













Graphics aside, here's what I thought. The game starts out 5 years after the first movie. You play as a new guy on the squad, an experimental equipment tester (which is a plot device title if i ever heard one). You run around doing a lot of the same stuff that was done in the first movie, then your playstation overheats and turns off.

Or maybe that was just me. OK so perhaps one of the hallmarks of bad reporting is having shitty equipment. But guess what shithead who agreed with my last sentence, I'm not a fucking reporter. You see that title at the bottom? What's that say faggot? Despicablereporter? NO. Didn't think so. Fuck you. Fuck you sir.

Anyhoozles. From what I could tell the game play really isn't that bad. Pretty fun actually. The feel of a proton accellerator firing off even in virtual hands is still very satisfying. Not to mention damn near everything explodes upon contact with the accellerator. Which is another plus. The dialog is wonderful. It's a little jerky, like these actors never did voice over work, and the mouths don't always move when they talk, but still, pretty great traditional ghostbusting dialog. My only real complaint is that Bill Murray is dead. Not in the game or in real life but figuratively. The only actor left is this pensive old fogey who can deliver the funny anymore. When a woman greets him coming out of an elevator during the first mission he says "Hello." That's entirely unacceptable. Bill Murray does not just say hello and be done with it. He's going to be snide or smug or cute or sarcastic or (attempt to be) charming. He doesn't just passively say hello and walk by though. No ma'am.

Anyway. It was a good 10 minutes of gametime. Which i'll likely have to repeat, thanks to my pet racoon's penchant for pissing on my electronics.

And Nothing of Value Was Lost: Sarah Palin Resigns/Changes Name

The poster child of American idiocy has dethroned...herself, thus proving my previous statement.

That's right. At the end of July Palin's gone.

She said on facebook: "I've never thought I needed a title before one's name to forge progress in America." This can only lead me to believe one thing.

Sarah Palin has changed her name to "one." Lower case specifically to be trendy and different as the delicate flower she is. She is also now referring to herself in the third person. Either that or as the Superficial writer put it, "allow me to float one out there that might make sense of all this: she's a fucking idiot."

It's puzzling many folks in the GOP and elsewhere. They think it could be due to her recent battles with the press, or due to the personal stress of single handedly losing the election for John Mccain. (Don't lie you were gonna vote for him before this dumb cunt arrived.)

Some speculate it's to free up time for the 2012 election which she's going to be running for...

Let me dispense some advice here. I don't often enjoy waxing political. But for the love of everything that is,

DO NOT FUCKING VOTE THIS WOMAN INTO OFFICE.

She has the IQ of a slightly molded grapefruit. She cannot speak without uttering the word "Maverick" incoherently no fewer than 1 billion 50 times per sentence. She's an idiot. She has obviously focused very little on governing and very much on her CAREER since she just dropped the governership leaving Alaska in the breach and the GOP saying "Uhh...what the fuck?" It was a selfish pussy fucking move and if that didn't just say "not Presidential material" to you, she also has ties to scientology.

Yeah. On top of being dangerously stupid, she's also just the fucking type of person that could do a shit ton of damage to the United States if under the influence of a massive evil consortium like the Church of Scientology.

So enjoy your pop culture, enjoy your porn, your satan worship, your marijuana and cocaine, whatever you want. Fucking burn the country down, but please, do not, I repeat DO NOT vote that bitch into office. I will fucking leave. And blog from somewhere else. But I'll still blog.

Despicablewriter Gives Up on CNN.com, Despite Pretty Interface

CNN.com has finally done it. They have lost the respect of a guy who makes a living saying "fag" 9 billion times a day.

I was certain they were done with the Michael Jackson coverage. Surely there's no further way to milk this man's death.

Now they're reporting on his fucking estate and the fact that his fucking wife/cumdumpster Debbie Row dropped the f-bomb at paparazzi. Holy shit! How fucking unexpected that a woman who has been relentlessly hounded by fuckers YOU PAY since her fucking husband/science experiment died actually told them to fuck off. Fuck me. Report this assholes.

Not to mention...you could squeeze more interesting news out of a fucking librarian's newsletter for Twin Falls Idaho than what's on CNN.com right now. I'm going to just list a few completely gaddamn pointless items from their website now:

Ticker: GOP lawmaker slams Michael Jackson - He's fucking dead. You're just profiting from his demise now.

Church allows pets to attend service - Fucking really? Did Auntie Em submit this? Why aren't people fired now?

Spooked cop dog bolts from fireworks - Dogs still. You must be shitting me. Dogs. On CNN DOT FUCKING COM. Just call it what it is now faggots. America's Funniest Home Videos.

Eating out doesn't have to kill you - Well I know the last time I went to gaddamn sizzler that salad tried to gouge my fucking eyes out.

Is Canada's health care system better? - Nobody, but nobody, gives a fuck, about Canada.

Housework = sex? - Not last time I fuckin checked.

Jesus Christ. These links speak for themselves. CNN used to mean something. It used to be the news network you worked your whole life to get into. It used to be prestigious. In the early 2000s, failing that, it was at least SOMEWHAT unbiased. It at least didn't have anyone who directly went out of their way to take potshots at any definitive party. In the later 2000's it has provided me, despicablewriter, with interesting news and a useful interface at the price of maybe some frivolous pop culture bs mixed in. Let me tell you something cnn.

If I to see a fucking presswhore who can twitter, I'll tweet perez hilton on how the fuck it feels to finally get knocked the fuck out. You however, are supposed to provide the IMPORTANT information. We don't need 30+ stories on a single popstar for over two weeks. We don't need information on the seet gentle intricasies of anytown USA. I want fucking war coverage, state of the union, planes going down, buying and selling serious fucking business from you CNN. And until you fucking return to the way you were, you'll no longer have my clicks and page impressions.

Fuck you.

Celebrity Deathscapades 2009: MJ Still Getting Too Much Press, Billy Mays Has Hilarious Funeral

That's the front page of CNN.com. Highlighted in red are the Michael Jackson stories. Which really all comprise of one two word story.

"He's dead."

That's really all that needed to be said on the subject ever in the history of time, unless something interesting happened. NOTHING interesting or even remotely piquing has occured with this celebrity's death. He od'd on demoral just like every other celebrity before him.

Yet cnn has had, since he died, over a week ago, continuously covered his death. I say that with no idea what it means. I have no fucking clue how you make segment after segment after segment after article after article about a man's death, unless that man happened to be Gregory Rasputin. Or Gregory House b/c, holy shit, when that guy dies, I'm going to puke up a book on the subject just to escape my own tears. Man tears. And Jesus what's Wilson gonna do? What is WILSON GONNA DO?

Anyhoozles. Isn't there something better to report on? I mean this was a guy who did God knows what to children and/or a chimpanzee named bubbles. He had a really fucked up addiction to plastic surgery and pretty much just hid in a hole till he died. Why is that type of thing national hero material? Yeah, he had some hits in the 80s. Who gives two shits. He birthed pop? REALLY? You're praising the man who grandfathered in whores/dipshits like Britney Spears, Christina Aguilara, Vanilla Ice, New Kids on the Block, and the like? Go file for disability because you're retarded America. Those assholes have made us look like morons for years.



Now for some ACTUAL news, as something interesting HAS ACTUALLY happened in the Billy Mays is dead section of CNN.com. His entire funeral procession was clothed in the Billy Mays informercial schtick blue button up and kakhis. This makes me incredibly happy. You see that MJ? That's how ya die. That is one epic death. He's not just presswhoring himself out after he's dead, no siree. He's still makin the funny. If the cameras come? They come. You don't see him taking up 3 or 4 different pieces of webspace. There's a war on! Faggots.

Fucking Gay: The Pirate Bay to Become Itunes Wannabe

Geekologie reports that, in a complete and literal sellout the owners of the Pirate Bay have sold the company to Swedish internet cafe tycoons (read: coffee swilling eurotrash moralfags) Global Gaming Factory X AB. What the shit kind of name is that anyway? I think I'm going to start a company in Europe. We'll be an internet service provider. Let's call ourselves United Digital R2D2 Fucktwats of the Millenium Order Sanction 2.0 Yeah. Rippin name bros, rippin name.

The pirate bay used to be awesome in that they fought the man, lost, and continued onward. They were martyrs. Now they're no better than the likes of GM or Chrysler taking the bail out of the U.S.A. But in this case it's really to pay off their 4 Million dollar fine from their recent loss to the european equivilant of the RIAA. Which, fuck them. They're actually getting 8 Million. So maybe they'll have enough to start another company and be awesome again. After they get out of Swedish jail that is.

The point is though, these fags at Gaming...whatever you know who I'm talking about, don't play like that, they watn to turn the Pirate Bay into a legitimate filesharing company. We're talking about paying the artists for the stuff that gets downloaded from the Pirate Bay.

What the shit is the world coming to?

GOOD NIGHT SWEET PRINCE!!! BILLY MAYS 1959 - 2009!!!

HI I'M DESPICABLEWRITER!!! HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WATCHING AN INFOMERCIAL LATE AT NIGHT AND HAD THIS GUY BEGIN YELLING AT YOU UNRELENTINGLY?

Yes, it's true. Billy Mays has died of heart disease. An unfitting end to such an american treasure. The man could yell the panties off a nun. He could yell the chrome off the bumper of a 52 chevy. Billy Mays could yell the hair off a dog, and balls onto an infant. He once yelled so hard that the entire audience of the informercial he was starring in blew a load right then and there, male or otherwise.

This was a great man, this was a travesty, this was absolutely NOT a triumph. We'll miss you Billy Mays and GOD BLESS!!!